My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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