Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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