I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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