He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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