I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
