Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
