we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize