So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Randomize
