Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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