just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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