i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
