it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
