Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
