I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
