i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The struggles of a small town man whore
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
