new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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