He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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