after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Randomize
