ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
