I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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