Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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