don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
