She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
