hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
