im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize