Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
