i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
