First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Ketchup is God's man juice
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
