i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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