I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
