Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
