In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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