i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
