I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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