We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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