I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
