some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
