I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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