Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
