I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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