I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
