remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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