and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
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