Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
