hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
