Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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