Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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