this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
