strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
