I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
