Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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