I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
