totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
