Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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