so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
