Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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