she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
