oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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