I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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