just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
