I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
