So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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